November 13th seemed like the perfect day to get married last year…how was I to know that it wouldn’t work out? In hindsight, I kind of wish I would have planned it further from the holidays, but it is what it is; I knew this month was going to be tough. On the day that would have been our first anniversary, I contemplated between hiding in bed all day and going on an adventure. I’m so glad that I chose the latter. There is something extremely freeing about driving all alone to a beautiful destination in silence. It took me a while to process the emotions from that day and every day since, to be honest, but I think I’ve finally figured some of it out.
I chose Prescott, Arizona for my [day]venture because it’s a little familiar, a little cooler, and a little quirky. I spent hours browsing through antique stores, looking at all of the things that once belonged to someone else. At one point, I passed through a booth with a sign that read “choose happy” and my eyes welled up with tears because I felt like it was meant for me. I bought a scarf and some coffee and found myself wandering through the courtyard watching the leaves fall. And then I sat on a park bench for a while with my thoughts; there were moments of peace in between many emotional memories. In all honesty, I enjoy thinking about my wedding day in Hawaii because it wasn’t just about me getting married. It was also a beautiful Sunday on the beach where I was able to share laughs and happiness with my family and friends and that will always be something I cherish.
That’s the toughest part though – being able to separate that happiness from the pain. Sometimes you can’t control where your mind goes and the next thing you know, you’re a snotty mess in a public place with no tissues. But, you get through it. And then you walk around aimlessly taking photos, absorbing the beauty around you, and when you feel ready, you take your time on the back way home.
A year ago, I never would have pictured myself sitting here blogging about how it feels to go through a divorce. I thought we were happy; I thought things were perfect. I don’t think you can ever really be prepared for anything traumatic. I’ve always thought of myself as strong and independent, but every day, I am learning that everyone falls and weakens sometimes. I know this will get easier but I also know that it’s going to take a lot of time. Truthfully, I’m grieving a loss and trust me, it hurts.
I am sharing all of these thoughts and feelings in this blog because I know, somewhere out there, there are other women feeling small and defeated from the experiences of divorce or maybe from something else entirely. And I guess I want those women, along with anyone else reading this, to know that everything is going to be ok. In light of all of the pain and sadness, you learn things about yourself that you didn’t know before and suddenly, you’re transformed. Each day, you get a little stronger [and you actually end up having A LOT of conversations with yourself which may cause people and/or animals to look at you funny]. I’m just trying to remember that everything happens for a reason and that if I choose happy, I’ll continue to get through this, one day at a time.