everything is going to be ok

November 13th seemed like the perfect day to get married last year…how was I to know that it wouldn’t work out? In hindsight, I kind of wish I would have planned it further from the holidays, but it is what it is; I knew this month was going to be tough. On the day that would have been our first anniversary, I contemplated between hiding in bed all day and going on an adventure. I’m so glad that I chose the latter. There is something extremely freeing about driving all alone to a beautiful destination in silence. It took me a while to process the emotions from that day and every day since, to be honest, but I think I’ve finally figured some of it out.

I chose Prescott, Arizona for my [day]venture because it’s a little familiar, a little cooler, and a little quirky. I spent hours browsing through antique stores, looking at all of the things that once belonged to someone else. At one point, I passed through a booth with a sign that read “choose happy” and my eyes welled up with tears because I felt like it was meant for me. I bought a scarf and some coffee and found myself wandering through the courtyard watching the leaves fall. And then I sat on a park bench for a while with my thoughts; there were moments of peace in between many emotional memories. In all honesty, I enjoy thinking about my wedding day in Hawaii because it wasn’t just about me getting married. It was also a beautiful Sunday on the beach where I was able to share laughs and happiness with my family and friends and that will always be something I cherish.

That’s the toughest part though – being able to separate that happiness from the pain. Sometimes you can’t control where your mind goes and the next thing you know, you’re a snotty mess in a public place with no tissues. But, you get through it. And then you walk around aimlessly taking photos, absorbing the beauty around you, and when you feel ready, you take your time on the back way home.

A year ago, I never would have pictured myself sitting here blogging about how it feels to go through a divorce. I thought we were happy; I thought things were perfect. I don’t think you can ever really be prepared for anything traumatic. I’ve always thought of myself as strong and independent, but every day, I am learning that everyone falls and weakens sometimes. I know this will get easier but I also know that it’s going to take a lot of time. Truthfully, I’m grieving a loss and trust me, it hurts.

I am sharing all of these thoughts and feelings in this blog because I know, somewhere out there, there are other women feeling small and defeated from the experiences of divorce or maybe from something else entirely. And I guess I want those women, along with anyone else reading this, to know that everything is going to be ok. In light of all of the pain and sadness, you learn things about yourself that you didn’t know before and suddenly, you’re transformed. Each day, you get a little stronger [and you actually end up having A LOT of conversations with yourself which may cause people and/or animals to look at you funny]. I’m just trying to remember that everything happens for a reason and that if I choose happy, I’ll continue to get through this, one day at a time.

life is better when you’re laughing


 “the most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – ee cummings


Facebook tells me that last year on this day, I was drinking wine out of my new Kate Spade “his & hers” glasses that we received as a wedding gift.  [side eye, annoyed emoji goes here]  A pro and con of social media: reminders of all the memories in your life.  But hey, I’m dealing with it.  A quick scroll and I’m right back in the land of mindless cat memes and Chive articles.  Isn’t that funny?  One moment, you can be cringing at a painful photo and the next, you can be laughing uncontrollably at a baby goat saying “what’s up?”.  But, that’s my point.  We have a choice.  We can wallow in the sadness of something that no longer exists or we can move on and just fucking laugh at something else.  We can choose happy.

 And, it’s healthy!  No joke, I did a little research on the health benefits of laughing, and things like “improved immune system” and “relieve pain” came up.  If you think about it, it’s true; those moments when you’re sobbing and you feel like you can’t breathe and then your sister makes a stupid joke and you instantly find the ability to laugh.  Your body is basically providing you with its own painkillers while endorphins are released from your brain.  Oh, and apparently it burns calories, which is helpful in my case since I’ve eaten my weight in pizza and Thai food since filing for divorce.  But, in all seriousness, aside from my amazing support system, laughing really does help me feel better about myself and my situation.  [also, I feel like an asshole for rolling my eyes all those times my grandma said “laughter is the best medicine.”]

Speaking of medicine, I went to see A Bad Mom’s Christmas on opening night and I must say, it was the ultimate stress relief.  I don’t have children, but I could still relate to everything in that movie and I am telling you, I NEVER stopped laughing.  It didn’t get great reviews, but don’t let that fool you.  I would watch this over and over again (with or without alcohol).  Grab your friends, take a night off, and go see this movie.  And don’t forget to laugh today.

warning: this trailer may be inappropriate for little ones.

 

tomorrow is another day.

I’ve been quiet and really, unlike myself for the last few months.  It’s true what they say – “everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”.  One year ago I was planning the final details of my fairytale wedding in Hawaii and today, I’m apartment hunting and canceling subscriptions so I can save a few bucks a month.  Life doesn’t always go the way you plan.  In an attempt to stop feeling sorry for myself and to slowly transition to the next step of divorce recovery, I decided to revamp my blog and dedicate it to choosing happy over everything else.

The truth is, once you get over the shock and anger of losing the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, you become miserable.  The ideas you had for your future dissolve and for a while, you feel completely worthless and unable to see light at the end of any tunnel.  And good luck to the people around you while you are trying to navigate through the hell that is divorce.  [insert apology to all those that I have hurt or offended recently]  It’s ugly.  It’s embarrassing.  It’s just plain sad.

And then something happens.  You start to notice the people around you that are rooting for your happiness.  The amazing friends that send gifts and notes, reminding you that you can get through anything; the family that plans a visit just so they can spend time with you; the sister who pushes you through when you feel like you can’t do it on your own.  The darkness and gloom starts to fade away and you find yourself wanting to smile again.  And you do… you do smile again.

So here’s to choosing happy.  Here’s to finding that strong, confident woman inside of me and returning to a life of planning adventures and experiencing the “whatever happens, happens” side of things.  I know some days will still suck more than others and that’s ok.  We all deal with life at our own pace.  And tomorrow is another day.

-nicki